If Hallmark Made Hannukah Movies Starring Adam Sandler
NIGHT 1 — KATZ THE MUSICAL
Gingerbread-scented high school drama teacher Krissy Moss (Drew Barrymore) wants to make the annual Christmas musical more inclusive but has no idea where to start. She begs the only Jew in a twenty-mile radius, jaded math teacher Harvey Katz (Adam Sandler), to teach her all about Hanukkah, but he’s more interested in getting through his day with the help of a little Slivovitz in his morning coffee.
Krissy convinces him to teach her the meaning of Hanukkah as she helps him replace his self-destructive day drinking with seasonal, celebratory day drinking. But the real miracle of the holiday would be if Harvey can fully embrace the oy of the season.
NIGHT 2 — THE MACCABEE
Sixteen-year-old Aviva Meyer (Madison Iseman) doesn’t have it easy: Her father is dead to her, her mother refuses to ignore her, and her brother runs wild with the local USY crowd. After getting caught smoking whitefish in the bathroom, Aviva agrees to enter a spelling bee to get out of Hebrew School detention.
She enlists spelling bee coach Isaac Steinmann (Adam Sandler) to offer gruff, sage advice as her surrogate father figure. In turn, Aviva reignites Isaac’s love of putting information on flashcards, which he stopped long ago due to a tragic misspelling that cost him the love of his life.
But the real miracle of the holiday would be if Aviva figures out once and for all the definitive English spelling of “Hanukkah” — does it start with CH or H? Is there an H at the end? One K in the middle? Two?
NIGHT 3 — MENORAHTY REPORT
America’s War on Christmas ended thanks to an elite team of “Precog” officers led by John Cohen (Adam Sandler). He relies on the Wisemen triplets (Kevin James, David Spade, and John Turturro) who can predict future heinous Crimes Against Christmas. The Wisemen predict that Cohen will cause Christmas to disappear forever when he wishes someone at Home Depot “Happy Holidays.” Yet, one of the precogs tells a different version of the story which proves Cohen’s innocence and affirms that Christmas is not in danger.
But the real miracle of the holiday would be if the great Mandy Patinkin made a cameo as the judge deciding Cohen’s fate via moving Yiddish folksong.
NIGHT 4 — NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MENSCH
Night 4 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler.
Rabbi Gold (Adam Sandler) travels to visit his children at Hanukkah. As he checks into his hotel, he is shocked to learn that his childhood rival, Rabbi Levy (Steve Buschemi), is also staying at that hotel, visiting his children for Hanukkah.
Due to a booking error and convenient plot devices, the men have to share a room while dealing with their complex feelings about this holiday — Rabbi Gold worries about the commercialization, Rabbi Levy worries he won’t be able to find the perfect Hanukkah gift for his very ill grandson. Both have to work through the 30-year-old pain of Levy making it into Klezmer band regionals while Gold didn’t.
But the real miracle of the holiday would be if these two can get along for seven days and eight nights before whipping out the clarinets for the inevitable playing of Hava Nagila.
NIGHT 5 — APOCRYPHA NOW!
Reporter Judah (Adam Sandler) has eight nights to complete a think-piece for his online news outlet about how Jews should embrace and participate in innocuous Christmas traditions such as stringing lights, decorating trees, and going to church a little bit.
For research, he visits his father, the heavy-handedly named Mattiyahu (a hologram of Marlon Brando), an observant Jew who retired in Sugar Plum, the town voted #1 in Christmas spirit. Over a mournful violin solo, Mattiyahu monologizes about the ancestors who fought for Judah’s right to celebrate a minor holiday where he gets eight presents. Or maybe one big one. Depends.
Angry only because he needs to get hurt in the next scene, Judah storms out to the town square, slipping and hitting his head. When he comes to, Judah is somehow in ancient Judea fighting for religious freedom alongside the Maccabees. When he hits his head again in battle, he awakes in Sugar Plum with a whole new perspective on Hanukkah.
But the real miracle of the holiday would be if this movie avoids making an “I love the smell of sufganiyot in the morning” joke.
NIGHT 6 — EAT PRAY LOVE EAT.
Newly divorced, angsty accountant Zach Segal (Adam Sandler) embarks on a journey around his mother’s house. He soon discovers the true pleasure of nourishment prepared by a mother (June Squibb) who’s been “holding in a lot about your ex-wife, the shiksa,” praying he can find a new rent-controlled apartment, finding love with the beautiful Jewish widow next door (Salma Hayak), then eating again because his girlfriend didn’t know he already ate. It’s fine. No, really, it’s fine.
The two women both want Zach to choose who to spend Hanukkah with, competing in increasingly ridiculous ways that only happen on basic cable. During a latke cook-off, a freak blizzard occurs, trapping them all in the kitchen with only enough oil for one latke, and, well, you can probably guess what happens.
But the real miracle of the holiday would be if any of us could shake off the uncomfortable feeling that this film would probably get great ratings no matter how many stereotypes it perpetuates.
NIGHT 7 — MANISCHEWITZ BY THE SEA
After his mother (Julie Kavner) passes away from a terrible yet unnamed illness, cynical photographer Bill Hoffman (Adam Sandler) agrees to her unlikely deathbed request: travel to all the places she lived and get someone in each town to make and sell her traditional Jewish food.
He arrives in his mother’s hometown of Rye, NY the week before Hanukkah. The local gourmet market’s owner, Holly Kringle (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras) refuses to try his mother’s food because, as she puts it, “Ew.” She goes on to explain that the market is in financial danger and she can’t afford to take a culinary and cultural risk.
He offers to take publicity shots of her market in exchange for her selling one of his mother’s dishes. After some miraculous combination of increased food sales and his glossy glamour shots of Holly, the market is saved and the two admit they have the hots for each other.
But the real miracle of the holiday would be if anyone eats the stuffed miltz without needing a Tums.
NIGHT 8 — MY DINNER WITH ROB SCHNEIDER
During Christmas Eve dinner at a Chinese restaurant, old friends Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider (playing themselves) engage in philosophical and occasionally self-loathing discussion of such topics as: the sacred and secular merits of a potential exegetical analysis of Deuce Bigalow’s Biblical themes, Bernie Sander’s theoretical yarmulke collection, and how they could have a lovely time with their kosher chicken and their electric blankets.
But the real miracle of the holiday would be if anyone fully appreciates this movie for anything other than the giggly “Hanukkah bush” exchange.
