Gutterballs, Keanu Reeves, and Other Spicy Things: March 2024

A “Life and Other Existential Problems” Post

Greetings and thank you for wading through that title.

Let me summarize the last month by assaulting your eyeballs:

You’re welcome. I’m certain I am the only one who has used “March Madness” in a non-basketball-related way.

Spring break came and went, swept along by the unstoppable force of perpetually hungry teens. My husband notes, with the observational prowess and from the safe distance of a wildlife documentarian, that teen hunger resets quickly. In other words, the squeak of our refrigerator door as it opens is a G-sharp and might soon need to be tuned.

We hit the pause button, huddled up, and breathed because early March was madness (see glittery abomination above.) We’re not huge believers in filling every nanosecond of vacation with pre-planned activities, arts and crafts, or visits to kid zones, and they were more than happy to go outside at the first crack of sunshine we had. This led to lots of organic moments that did not always involve me asking them to bring their laundry upstairs. Sadly, there was also only one crack of sunshine. It was a nice five minutes.

We watched all the John Wick movies. Well, they watched. I fell asleep. I can’t honestly say whether I would or would not recommend the films, but I will forever recommend Keanu Reeves.

We also did a few things I don’t particularly care for.

Bowling. I am physically unable to do it thanks to scoliosis that makes it look like I’m cosplaying as punctuation marks. I’m sideline support, cheering on the kids as they chase strikes and spares, and cheering on my husband as he tries to develop asinine and hilarious bowling techniques. I’d rather be sleeping while they bowl, to be honest, but bowling alleys have got my number. Between the balls, pins, music, and sports on the teevees, there seem to be strict Don’t-Let-Her-Sleep protocols in place.

I did a bracket for March Madness. Why? Because my kid asked me to. He did this knowing I know about zip about basketball. Perhaps that’s why he did it. I am currently in fifth place in my family, and I fall asleep during the games, to some people’s irritation. The dog was spared bracket duty, and yet is allowed to nap during games. Why do I not get extended the same courtesy?

Dune 2? Spent too much time wondering why they weren’t doing a marketing partnership with Visine. I am probably not the target market for that film and also I fell asleep about 20 minutes into it.

We also are watching Shōgun, which is surprisingly gripping, even without one Mr. Richard Chamberlain. It has, however, unfortunately also rendered the word “pillow” something I cannot say without giggling.

Spring break was our calm before the storm. We’re about to enter baseball/track meets/field hockey/concert/family celebration/holiday/end-of-school-year/shit-ton of parties/what do you mean you grew out of those clothes I just bought last week season.

In other words, the next 7–8 weeks for us are going to be various forms of insanity, some of which will be, in all seriousness, stressful. We’ll be fine. Maybe Keanu will come out with another movie by then.

Other March Delights:

• I have a huge email file of poetry. I’m on several lists. I read at least one a day, but I don’t stop until I read one I love. Sometimes I get lucky, and that means I get to read three or four. May I offer you a little joy?
• Can I interest you in a muffin? Some assembly required.
• A place I totally want to visit and will never, ever let you know if I went.
• Got a problem? A block? A burr up your ass? Science says Go Outside. Science is a boss.
• I made (tried making) these and while profoundly delicious, they all either unfolded en masse like a Georgia O’Keefe retrospective or they held their shape but looked utterly craggy. And yes, I’ve tried all the things you’re about to suggest. Yes, that. And that. Plus epoxy and clamps and all sorts of pastry origami. Ultimately, their nature was to be chaotic and scrumptious. I’ll keep trying things. But not that. I KNOW you’re dying to say it and TRUST ME, I’ve tried it.
• I will leave you with this brief poem by Arthur Guiterman :

Providence, that watches over children, drunkards, and fools

With silent miracles and other esoterica,

Continue to suspend the ordinary rules

And take care of the United States of America.

• And these:

Here’s to an April and its own madness!